| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|11:21 pm] |
I have a lot to say about different things. As, always.
But this is about Bobby.
Sometimes I feel like we haven’t failed, like there really is still love. Good love, not sexual, not frustrating, not necessarily romantic. Love, real love. Real, I care about you love. Real, I really adore who you are love. Real, I honestly care that you’re alive love. That kind of love recreates itself, because the purity of it creates love. Love creates love. I love Bobby (for many reasons, but-) because he meets me within good love, & that gives my sore soul something to believe in.
I told him I hated Kate, because I do, by the way. I’ve stopped holding back on that, I fucking hate that stupid bitch. I put it a little more gently to him but I told him that I really do hate her, strictly because she hates me for no reason, & if you think about it one way, I’m totally the victim in this triangle. But I mean, even if you don’t look at it that way, even if you look at it from HER perspective, I have not done one fucking thing to her, if anything I’ve been more than respectful. I mean okay aside from a couple things. But she doesn’t know about any of that so from her point of view it doesn’t count. Anyway, not that the whole Bobby situation was right of me, but if its wrong, it needs to be that way because of me & Bobby, not Kate, because there is a point where you have to draw your loyalties & I am the one who matters most to me in this situation. I have to, its survival. I don’t matter most to anyone else, I am the only person who is going to do right by me. But the point is I have been nothing but nice to this girl & she is just being a stupid fucking bitch & totally acting her age. I don’t deserve that I really don’t, & after processing & digesting this, I’ve concluded that I hate her back, because if that’s the way she’d going to treat me in return for the way I treat her, then fuck it. Fuck her.
I told this to Bobby, he said “Devi, I completely understand that & it is completely justified.” Ohhhhhhh I love him.
I really think that most of the time, all we really want is understanding. When we reach out, its not really comfort or approval or even love that we’re looking for. We seek those things because they are the hopeful byproducts of what we are really after- the root. Understanding. Human connection; having someone in the universe that genuinely understands the burden we carry, of everything. Even joy is a burden- a blessed one, but a burden none the less, it’s a really heavy thing to haul around with you, you feel it so deeply. You feel happy, but you just FEEL with such magnitude. I think what we’re really looking for is the connection forged by understanding. Bobby, in fact, texted me that once, & it was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever heard. I was bitching at him for how distant I felt we’d become & how much I missed him & how much it hurt me. & Instead of getting defensive, or apologizing, or trying to make me empty promises about change, he just responded “I understand.” & I hadn’t realized it, but that was really all I had wanted. It was the exact answer I was looking for, & it made me feel closer to him than all the things I was mad at him for not doing could have.
& RB... he's just sort of just the eternal RB.
& Dana & I are poison to each other. I don’t know why how or when, but we are doing each other nothing but harm right now. & he is sitting is in room or garage right now drinking because lately he's ALWAYS drunk & much more emotional, & he can’t really be around me when he drinks & he can’t really be around me when I’m around RB no matter if we’re drinking or not.
I never thought of it this way, but my relationship with RB really is kind of an unapologetic barrier between me & everyone else, because I make no secret of or apologies for the fact that no one is ever going to get to his position in my life, & I pretty much laugh at anyone who tries. That’s not what it really is, though. It is but it isn’t. I could explain, I mean I really could explain it, but no one would understand. It would be like speaking a different language; stringing sounds together that do have actual meaning, that do really express something, but not in a way that the listener could comprehend. I love a great many people & things & ideas on the same level that I love RB, yet still in a different although not lesser category. True that RB is a class unto himself, but false that there are no other classes I love so passionately.
So who am I in love with? RB, or Brian? Brian. Easy. My soul is asleep, curled up in his warm stomach. It's comfortable and perfect and lazy and there is no part of me that wants to move or even stir. I love him, and it is a more steady & sturdy feeling than most feelings I've ever had, let alone any in the ballpark of "love" - the most unstable emotion ever. But I guess I feel like, although there is nothing about my love for Brian that I want to change, I don't mind messing around with other aspects of my life. He sustains me in a survival type sense. He's like is a diet of vegetables with a perfect calorie count (ha!). Though, sometimes what I'm asking for is chocolate and sweet fruit and salt and meat and sugar. He's less manic. Better for my stability, my functioning. He is strangely constant and provides a stability that I need. But sometimes I still wish for something richer. On the other hand, after one has adjusted to such a consistent, immaculate diet, the idea of sugars and spices is sometimes revolting.
But I do love RB, too, in different ways. I love him in Eros ( “Eros is passionate love, the sense of 'being in love'. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "(romantic) love". However, Eros is separate from sexual love, which Lewis calls “venus“. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone who you love more than the Philia love of friendship. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Plato also said eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros.”)... and I love him in Agapē: (“Agape is an unconditional love which is not dependent on any lovable qualities that the object of love possesses but the quality of being loved. Agape is the love that brings forth caring regardless of circumstance. Lewis recognizes this as the greatest of loves. Lewis metaphorically compares this love with a garden & gardener. The flowers are beautiful & valuable because the gardener tends to and admires them, but without the gardener to adore them, the flowers would have no purpose. Essentially, the flowers are given their beauty by the gardener’s admiration of it: Beauty in the eye of the beholder. Or, love for the sake of love.”)... I also love him in a way that makes me feel kind of tired, & like, old habits die so hard. Like, walking inside a sphere like a pet rodent. But trying to regulate it is like swimming against the tide. I literally can't. I can't make myself just disconnect. If my soul is asleep in Brian's stomach, every other part of me needs RB to keep me from going to sleep in my own bed, for no reason, all day long, because I'm too fucking depressed to move or even stir. I didn't expect this to come out so badly, but this journal is kind of like flipping a coin to assess your disappointment. When I'm not sure how I really feel, I write about it here, and then it kind of just comes out.
Oh, my life too.
Is so fucking
BORING.
I might die.
Actually, someone else might die.
I am so fucking purposeless, Louisville is so fucking dull, Rachel is so fucking heartbroken, and I totally understand her. I'm at the point in the relationship when I get explosive, and I can't breath, and I think of all the good, soft, meaningful intentions I had, and I think FUCK THAT SHIT. I am who I am. And the other day, while driving around & talking shit with RB, I realized that quite frankly, I have absolutely no desire to change. I would rather be a horrible person than try to be good and feel this fucking BORED and POINTLESS and DULL. In fact, I'd rather be a horrible person than try to be good even if it felt fine.
But I always kind of think it's a great idea to get in way over my head and dive back into a really complicated, thrilling, destructive lifestyle. I don't know. What's better: feeling pain or nothing at all? Living one day to the fullest, or living a year in bed?
I have to remember that the world is not that small. Time and space are bigger than me.
When I was younger, I really thought I had it all figured out. And I knew what sex & love were and weren't and how they were separate but interactive, and the human heart was like math that I actually understood. But I don't know anymore. One thing I've become quite sure of, though, is that it IS entirely possible to actually love two people at once.
PS: I had coffee with two aunts today, & they are the most pretentious, annoying, draining, dry, obnoxious, self obsessed and calculated pieces of shit ever. And when I'm with them, I just kind of let it flow & it feels good to be a total fucking asshole. But, I mean, I can't sustain that. Fuck life being that much fucking WORK, EFFORT. I'm so not interested in more than five minutes of that every 6 months or so.
PPS: Brian really wants me to stay in Louisville and move in with him & I'm going to do it. It's so scary, & I half way think I'm insane & pathetic for it, but I am. I really love my plans for the future, I do, and I'm pretty committed to them. But I'm not yet ready to absolutely rule out a future with him, and I feel like even if our chances are one in a million, I owe it to us/myself/fate to give that chance a chance. And if it fails, I can always chalk it up to a detour and go about my future plans as I had intended. If RB had wanted me to stay here, though, I couldn't have. Not because I don't love him, because I do, but because I couldn't have stayed here. Even if there was something that could keep me here, I would wither. I might live my life here in the flesh, but my life would kind of end with my hope of leaving. I don't think I could muster the emotional energy to just be this, always. So maybe I can't welcome the exact replication of my life, then. At least not tonight.
It's almost Friday. Now I have to go to workout and think a lot and try to figure out what this mood I'm in is and why I'm in it. About Brian, it's really good that I'll get to see him soon. And about RB, it's half gotten better and I've half just stopped caring that it was worse. Either way, I'm always wearing Brian's scent and swollen lips to bed, but RB's shirt. I would venture into why the fuck I'm doing this, but I am way, way, way too fucking old & sane for that kind of shit these days.
I want it to be just like the good old days, before everyone started fixating on the sheer act of sex and drinking and blahblahblah. I used to really matter to people. They used to like me because I was something that didn't come in a box. I talked to Bobby until the sun rose the other day. He was drinking by himself, and I was 1500 miles away, in my room.
Fuck, everything is sad. And I think this state of mind and most of what I'm saying has less to do with the boys & more to do with my own personal feelings about "who I am." Sadly. Haha, sadly. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
devimetal's journal
FAVORITE. PICTURE. EVER.
confused